there are really so many things going on in my mind right now
1. this is entirely embarssing
i know, its just a stupid website.
but
i feel like an idiot
actually, i feel like an idiot any where outside class.
that's just who i am
i'm an idiot
a big fat idiot
what you going ot do about it?
i'm angry
but i'm not angry at anyone.
i'm angry i wasted my money
now i have to survive on such little money
i'm angry i told you
i'm angry i didn't do it earlier
i'm angry i didn't talk to them
i'm angry i'm not popular
but i'm not blaming god
'cos i'm made like this.

i wish that i didn't hang out with you guys
it just makes it way worse.
it makes it WORSE because i get more jealous everyday
because i get more left out everyday
you all get included in class And outside class.
i dont
that's why i dont smile.
that's why my face muscles don't move.
that's why i'm so lifeless.

and i'm going to stay that way
i dont know for how long
but you can't do anything.
im sorry
i'm sorry i made you even know me
i'm sorry i hung out with you guys
, make you all waste your time and money on me.
i'm sorry
i'm sorry for everything i did to you
i'm sorry if i offended you

i wish that now you would juststay away from me, just let me live my sad and lonely world.
i wish that you would do that, if not you'll just hurt yourself and me more.
i'll just be a loser for life. and i accept that.
i just dont want you to be hurt

and whats worse, is i can't do anything about it.
you don'tknow how much of a coward i am.
sometimes i even question if i'm living
i have like no more feelings.
i dont think
i dont do anything.
its just all by instinct
im doing everything mindlessly.

i love you guys, but you really got to stay away from me. even if it kills me, i don't want to live with the fact that i hurt you.
because i want to leave this world in a quiet manner.
it would be nice to be appreciated,
but i'm not.
so
just stay away.
it'll do you and your popularity good.
not having to stick aroudn with me any longer.

i will dragf you down with your studies
especially with the upcoming EOY's
i'm selfish
i dont share my work
i'm stupid.
i dont get my work right
i'm jealous.
i'm emo.
i'm everything an unpopular girl is.
tell the truth, eveyrbody else knows somebody else from another level and is actually good friends.
me?

i'm a nobody.
they only know me as ' a girl who hangs out with THEM'
THEM referring to the SUPERIOR three.
yeah you knwo who i'm talking about.
the populars.

i shouldnt even be here.
i shouldnt even be anywhere.

i vented my anger on you
yes.
but i didn't say i needed your help
DID I?
i need a place to spill
and you offered.
NOBODY ASKED YOU TO MONITOR MY LIFE
NOBODY TOLD YOU TO TELL EVERYBODY
YOU KNOW HOW EMBARASSED I AM?
YOU KNOW THAT EVEN A SEC 4 GUY KNOWS?!
I SHOULDNT HAVE TRUSTED YOU
I SOHULD HAVE
I FEEL SO STUPID
YOU COULD AT LEAST HAVE TOLD ME
so that i could at least PREPARE myself
i didn't even have the time
i THOUGHT
i could TRUST YOU...

YOU SAID YOU COULD TRUST ME.
AND YOU CAN.
IS THE FEELING MUTUAL?!
I DONT THINK SO.
I TRUSTED YOU
I SERIOUSLY DID.
I'M SO GULLIBLE\

NOW YOU MAKE ME HATE MYSELF MORE THAN I HATE WHAT YOU DID.
I DON'T HATE YOU, I HATE WHAT YOU DID.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY
I COUNTED YOU AS MY CLOSE FRIEND.

I WISH YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
I WISH YOU NEVER KNEW ANYTHING
I WISH I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU

emo-ing
life so screwed man
nobody's really there for me.
they're all with their own cliques
i'm jus like
somebody taht 'has to be there' so that the other girls will go.
i'm not really included
i'm an outsider
i am NEVER INCLUDEd.
i'm not like them.
i was NEVER like them
I DONT KNOW WHY I'M EVEN ACTING LIKE THEM
ITS STUPID
ITS USELESS.
WADEVER I DO IS NEVER NOTICED.
even if it is, its WRONG.

i'll be known as a copy-cat, no life , no personality
person
so whats the point
i'll just go back to the point where i never knew all this.
i'll just go back to the days where i never thought of this
i'll just go back to the days where i WAsn'T like this.
where i wasn't full of crap
where i wasn't full of vulgar words
where i wasn't full of anger
where i wasn't full of sadness
where i wasn't full of THIS.

this sucks
it always does.
but only when i'm inside

screwing up things.
story of my life.

msn's not working
:(
well at least its not the computer, its the server. my dad says that somebody's trying to hack it or sth
'cos shumin has the same problem TOo.
just finished math homework and staring at the lovely signatures that almost everybody signed on my little black book
lol
on the back
its relaly kinda nice
but i think i kinda ruined it
by
drawing hearts over every single person's signature thing
HAHA.
benny's one is a cat, dario's one is teletubbies and kavern wrote ' white it the new black'
lol yirong's one is ' ss' (supersexy) LOL
and nashlie's one is a helmet
and the girls' signature is like seriously nice
haiz.
whenever i need inspiration to keep goin on with my notes and revision, i'll just look at the back
(:

today
went to school as normal, but in the morning was quite haunted by the show we watched yesterday
lol
as in the toilet
at home
lol
and theN.
went to school.
emo-ed with shumin a while.
okay shumin was like really sick
and cold
so we sat outside the class.
then i went in
and bluh bluh
class started
then had reading
woah
thebook ' twisted' by i-cant-remember
is really GOOD.
glad i went to that bookfair
lol

had business after that
mr john's getting better at teaching.
kinda cool.
HAH.
then had recess
ate
and went back up
then had history
woah
i never thought history lesson could be SO boring
trust me, it was Veryyyy boring
like
ms kong was going so slow
and i was having a bit of a headache
and i was abit mad at kavern for saying that
chingyueh's my husband-.-
pls. i dont even talk to chingyueh
+ he's out of the school.
+ he speaks chinese and i don't.
and i'm pissed at you esp 'cos you're one of my sons kavern
lOl.
like
dario announced tothe whole world
that
: I HAVE A MAMA THAT HAS 5 KIDS,(dario,kavern, ryan, gerald, benny) WITHOUT A HUSBAND!
sommore pointing to me.
lOL
'cos dario was sick
and said sth that
' marriage is all about s__'
then ms kong was like
' girls! keep away from him!'
lol
that was the funnest part
then had science
woah
i realised that i've improved quite a bit
like last term, i wouldn't be able to finish the worksheets 'cos ill be too busy talking
and i didn't even TRY to attempt the questions.
then
this term, even if i'm not so sure, i just gave it a shot
i'm kinda proudda myself.
i'm kinda sure its correct
(:
well i guess getting almost the top in class kinda gives you a boost.
(:
then had PE.
walao
mrsim go and chasethem out of their court
bcos we had ' gymnastics'
wad the...
we had to get the mats from the hall
and og there
eh hot lah pls
then first had to do erh
animal movements
-.-
i was, a bird,a crocodile, monkey, pig, fish, hamster, dog, bear, bee, bird etc.
lol
then had to do duno what stuff lah
eh haiz
PE got PROJECT okay
need to organize some kind of thing.
geez.
then had lunch
arrived at class at 1.4 5
but realised teacher still wasn't there
SO ran to change.
speed change
then went back to class
(rAn)
then figured teacher still havn comethen waited like 5 min
then mrs koh came.
then
had to do duno how 3 excercises or sth?
in 40 min pls.
--
it totally drained me.
then after tht went to chill until 3
then went for ' cca'
where i read 'twisted' will waiting for the instructor, who, didn't show up
then mr dinesh came at 3.30 and said that it was too late evne if he did come, sO he let us off
and i went to tennis courts to wait for jenna etc.
then talked with yirong, sec __ guy (not sure heh), ollie ,obaja and TOMMY!
HAH.
tommy so cute
he can't even pronounce 'turtle'
hahahah
then yirong was like
' what s the most difficlt word u can't pronounce?'
i was like
' thirty three thousand and thirty three'
lOL.
'cos must pronounce the ' th' sound
LOL.
then jenna came out, and waitedfor yijing
then went out
and 174 was the 1st bus that came, so took it
lol
tommy super cute lalh
now we have a code to say goodbye
HAHAHa.
then went to plaza sing
'cos needed to pee
then jenna looked for her hairband
and bought sushi
:D
then went to walk sommore
then went home
then go home only , kenna scolding for 'going home late'
then read twisted
then fell asleep
until 8
then practiced piano
andwhile practicing, was emo-ing abit
i'm sure u don want me to list it all down,
but seriously, i felt like crying there and then.
no matter howmuch anybody says, it won't help
anyway












my sis
bought me boost
haha
as payback 'cos i bought her waffle ytd
(:
-- but she insists its 'cos i'm a nicesister
at times
---
joanna fong rui en

she's leaning on me now
guess i gotta go
tooDles

sheesh
been abit busy
these days
doing notes, doing chinese, history, revising
.......
i'm not even FINISHED revising.....
but close therE(:

forgot to post aboutwed.
so here it is
LOL

supposed to meet at 12
but haha planned to meet dario and ollie at 11.15
duno why
lol
then ollie and her sis were there at 1115
but DARIO was LaTE. hahaha but still early
at 11.30
then hung around and walked round cathay
wah cathay quite boring leh
then about 12 i think joanna came
haha
i thought joanna was going to wear mini skirt
><
she didnt
AWWW mann
ahahha
then SOme people(not pointing who)
would be happier
oh yeah
allof us girls, except ollie's sis
were wearing skirts
HAHAHA.
dont ask me why.......
it was to prove dario
that we DO wear skirts
[besides school skirts]
then yirong came
then went to see which movies can rent
but couldn't find any.
so
went to eat ben and jerry
WAH MY BIG MISTAKE
one SMALL shake, chocolate is like
almost 8 bucks.
but it was my lunch
'cos
i like
drank half
okay not even half
i alr full
and i didnt eat bkfast
super duper nice
but suck money
lol
then
aft that, wanted go dhoby gaut see if there can rent movie/buy movie then go yirong house and watch
but yirong duwan go back his house
so he say go iceskating
at first, alot of excuses
lol
and ollie and joanna didn't have pants,.
so yirong and dario called benny to bring extra
[which i doubt he did]
then
took cab there.
then went to iceskate
wah very scared
but we iceskated in skirts
><
lol
i was like super scared
my 2nd time skating
and dario's first time
LOL
and yet dario still got the GUTS to push me
and say
' chill, relax'
LOL
i was holding joanna's hand like super doops tight lah
but thats' only the first few rounds
lol
yirong probably completed like 3 / 2 rounds in my 1 round lah
HAHHAHA.
><
he was like
ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM!
then erhhh
hhahha
make me feel worse nia.
XP
then rested
and waited for benny
then ssaw him
lol
i thought he would be the first to fall
X: AWW SHUCKS HE DIDNT FALL MAN.
he act only.
lol
then went skating sommore
somore
smore
then
dario and benyn were like
scaring me the whole time
i scared they push me down
then super wet/cold
btw, the ice was like melting
abit
so got like
damn lot of water.
lol
then
after a few rounds,
more confident de shi hou
then dario n benny was like
OKay joanna let go of her!
let her go one round
and i went one round
but dario was like following behin. and damn scared he push me down
then after i completed one round
they were like
' WOO! YOU COMPLETED ONE ROUND!'
i seriously , seriously, at that moment, wanted BOTH of them to fall down
XP
then
they made me go for duno how many rounds
lol
i never count
was too scaared
then
ollie , ollie sis(julia), yirong,benny and joanna went to skate sth liddat
then joanna fell down
then apparently benny wanted to help her up
but he couldnt stop in time
lol
so he ended up dragging her round in circles
MEAN WHILE,
i was at the other side of the rink
when
dario made me fall down
:(
AND IT WAS LIKE DAMN WET OKAY
SUPER SUPER WET LAH.
lol
then he was laughing his ass off.
didn't care
went back
and figured joanna had a cramp
HAHA
all benny's fault.
then wehnt to skate abit more
then watched a movie..
money no enough 2
WAH SO SAD
i CRIEd.
joanna almots cried
and ollie cried too
the guys,,
erhh
i duwan say anyth
yirong's too heartless to cry,
dario was thinking about stuff,
and benny if i not wrong, looked like he was about to cry, but didn't
but hey, real man cry eh?
LOL

then went to serangoon mrt
wait for dad to pick up
then went to sing post to eat
LOL.
looke kinda weird
'cos
i changed my flats to slippers
so i was like
wearing a nice shirt, skirt
and SLIPPERS
haha
but comfortable
so, who cares/
lol
then went home
and fell alseep
so tired
GEEz.


THURS
went to 'study'
at school.
sat in the canteen
met with jenna and ollie at 10.15
went to canteen
and started to study
well, me and jenna
while ollie,
okay she did at first
then later she gave up
and read her twilight book
and gerald came
then at 1, yirong came
bluh
bluh
bluh
then at like 4+
shaokai came
wah
he damn irritating
try to teach him, he duwan listen
keep laughing
GEEZZZ>
okay, lazy tO post le.
BTW I LIke my NOTEBOOK!!!!:D
its all niceee
haha
here some pics that i took the front page. not bad actually it was just plain black. then i added color
my webcam not very clear, so sorry lol

COLORFUL HISTORY NOTES.
COLORFUL SCI NOTES
sci notes with diagrams. NICE HOR

and sth the yirong drew.

he said that if i rubbd away something bad would happen to me HAHAHA. but actually, i can just tear out the page. i purposely didn't write anything on the other side, so that i can tear it out(:

oh yah, super tired. now.

gotta study, toodles(:<3>

nothing i do is ever correct. NOTHING.
nothing i do is ever pleasing. NOTHING.
ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT I'M NOT WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE.
I'm not blaming it on anybody. buT I CAN'T HELP IT.
you don't even see how much i cry behind your back.
you don't see how much effort i PUT IN.
i just can't be the same as last time.
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FACE THAT FACT.
i'm trying. i really am.
i've just lost it.
i didn't use it, so GOD took it away.
so now i'm left with nothing.
i can't be the same anymore.

Do you think that i don't feel bad whenver there is something wrong?
don't you EVER THINK about how i feel after a practice, when nothing seems to turn out right?
JUST 'cos you're SO good at it, doens't mean i am.
just 'cos its ' supposed ' of me, and the others aren't doing it anymore.
just 'cos all of THEM. have mastered in it.
i just don't have the GIFT.

i'm SORRY. if i made you think that i had it
i'm SORRY. if i did it once, but i can't do it again.
i'm SORRY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!
i'm losing contrl of my life.
i don't know what i'm doing.
i'm breaking all rules.
i'm stressed out.
i'm putting pressure on myself like never before.
i'm SENSITIVE.
and it makes it all worse.

no dobut, i want to go back to those days.

but you know what? i'm NEVER going back to those days.
its way out of my league.
i'm never going to make it.
so don't put your hopes so high on me.
making it all worse when i don't go so high.
making me feel like an idiot and useless after evrything.

Just, DON'T
i'm sick of crap
i'm sick of it
i'm sick of everything.
i want it to come back, it just wont'

you never see how much i work, just to please you.
you just never see.

i am..ELISABETHfongRUIxian(: aka !E-lis
29DEC95 is my BIG DAY

a 6arian HWA CHONG(international)-RIAN

part of theCLICK4♥ JEOS♥
, - JOANNA SHUMIN OLLIE ME
and the KJE'S
- KELLER JOANNA ME
i LOVE GOD and my family

i hate sin
i am quite sensitive at times
BEWARE ;D

LOVES
GOD....
HCIS 1E '08
Friends...;
Dogs!..
family
WANTS
to get into OXFORD/PRINCETON
to forgive and forget
to control my temper
to not have ANY fights in high school
to learn to love and not have any grudges
to not get my hopes too high
to meet great friends in sec sch
to be able to cope with sec life
to get an IB
to get a diploma in piano
to be able to lose weight
to not be ashamed of myself
to not care about other people's criticism
to ignore some people forever
to not be so tired
to have a 'perfect'body by 4 years
to make up my mind
to make life-long friends(:
to be proud of myself
god's blessings...<3
to be able to knock sense into some stupid people
my 1stbrother to get safely outta NS
my sis to do well in 'O's
my 2ndbrother to do well in his JC, preparing for 'A's
NEOPRINTS WITH BEST FRIENDs<3

BLOGSHOP
CLASSBLOGS!
6a 07 clssblog<3
1e 08 class blog<33
1i 08 class blog(:
XINGHUA
ChinKeong<3
Daniel leong<3
EvelynXD
Farah<3
HanJingXD
Jack<3
JitHui<3
Julian<3
JunHao<3
Jessie<33
Jolina<3
Kaiyee<33
kiaYeeXD
maira<3
Melissa
Ms Yin<3
Nadhirah<33
Nic
Pandora
QiaoHui
Theresa<3
TeckHwee<3
Terry<3
Thiru<3
Vicki<33
Xin yuan
YiJie<3
YuHe<3
ZhiJie
HCIS!
Abigail<33
AishynXD
Charlotte(:
Dario<33
GERALD<33
Glenda<33
Joanna Chong<33
Keller<33
KirstyXD
Ryan<33
Sauching<3
SHUMIN<33
YIHUI<3
OTHERS
ClarissaXD
Dawn(:
Debbie(:
HuiYing<33
Joanna(sis)<333
Veronica
CHURCH
Charis<3
Jael<3
Jiaen<3
XinShi<3

Sorry the music is reallyirritating<3

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