seriously emo-ing.
i feel like i've lost my importance in this world.
like.....
i'm not meant to be here

i dont know why it took me SO LONG to realise that .....
my life is full of screwups.
my life is so screwed
there's no way of putting all the pieces back together.
i'm just useless.
i'm a freak.
i'm a dumbass.
i just suck.
i'm weird.
i'm so gullible.
i don't have an opinion of my own.
i do'nt know how to stand up on my own.
i'm an embarrassing nerd.
i bring everybody down.

sometimes i think that i'm the worst out of the whole sec 1s in Singapore.
and probably in the whole world.
my life is SO SCREWED UP.
i don't feel safe everywhere.
i don't feel safe at home.
i don't feel safe at school.
i keep feeling as if somebody's gonna put me down
somebody's gonna criticize me.
somebody's gonna mock me
i'm just gonna embarrass myself.
I DON'T WANT TO BE THOUGHT OF THAT WAY.
i am a FREAKIN IDIOT!
i just want to die.
seriously.
but you know what,
i don't even have the GUTS to.
exams.
everybody's so good.
wahts the point of studying.
its not like i'll beat them anyway.
whats the point.
breaking down in tears doesn't save my marks
breaking down in tears doesn't make me satisfied.
i have totally NO control of what im' saying
what i'm doing.
I FEEL LIKE A FREAKING IDIOT
I JUST WANT TO KILL MYSELF.
the more i say that.
the more i have guts to.

argh.
exams suck.
so much pressure.
i already know the consequences.
and all i'm doing is waiting for everything to happen.
i've sort of given up
i just don't think there's any more hope for me.
heck care about what other people WANT me to get.

------------------
english exam : sucky. even passing will be a miracle.
chinsse: abit better. A will be a miracle.
maths: die. getting 30 will be a big miracle.
business : PASSINg will be big miracle.
history : dont have high hopes. tmr we'll see. i tell you. even an A will be a miracle.
sci : ...... don't even TALK about it....


today ollie joanna shumin and I were outside class
and we talked about stuff.
while some of the guys were 'sleeping' on tables.
and it was really nice/.

we liked... talked about stuff that MATTEREd.
stuff that will matter.
and stuff that matter.
it was nice.
we like
trusted each other with our secrets.
no guys aren't the only thing we care about.
and this was one of the few times where all of us were like on the verge of tears.
i never felt so closely bonded<3 and like a big weight bein lifted off my shoulders.

shumin ollie and joanna<3333

i wish that... we will never be separated.
same university.
i just hope that we'll be life long friends.
life long close friends<3
life long best friends<33

today was okay.
went to school early
to spray hair and do face paint.
but yirong came at like 7 and all the equipment with him.
then suddenly he come and everybody very shocked bcos he painted his whole face
but i found it like cool.
like one red patch at his right eye.
then the rest of the face white
haha
then went back to class
sprayed my hair.
ran from here to there
ran sommore.
johg abit.
paint two lines on my face
u know teh national flag?
(red&white)
sth liddat
then helped to put for other people
then rushed everybody to the hall
then embarassing.
then bleh
over le.
then stayed back for camp briefing.
wah so sian-.-
then went back to class then shumin wanted go esteevo(behind rg)
so went with yirong shumin &weiming.
then joanna called when we were walking outside njc to say tht she no council meeting
then she ask me wait
but i very bad
so i never
:(
hehe
then went to esteevo first
we went like
at 10.53 or sth
then it opened at like 11
but the auntie let us in first
then ordered food/ lunch
ate spaghetti and went back to school
shumin and yirong cabbed back
weiming went home
joanna and i walked
and chatted.
then when joanna and i almost reach cshool
then shumin and yirong come runnig out and say go cafe.
but when joanna and i weren't that happy lah.
but just went
then saw ollie with a biggggggg group of guys
haha.
kavern. nashlie. deyro.benny.
(they're quite big sized so ......... counts)
then 'pangseh-ed' them (but i knew they'd follow) and went back to shcool
then sat in class and talked with ms kong a while
then she went off
and joanna and i were doing math
then the guys blasted music
thne i couldn't concentrate on math so i went to revise sci
then shumin started callng me study freak-.-
haha.
but then i was like feeling abit pissed at myself.
and a bit frustrated with myself.
so i was like
giving faces
:( sorry
then while shumin emo
joanna and i went hyper and painted our faces AGAIN.
'cos the mornin's one rubbed off
but joanna painted her whole face
with a red flower at her left eye
haha.
then i made her leave it on
then she made it even cuter by tying two pony tails

haha.
joanna so funnneh i tell u
then she started to go crazy when we 'migrated' to the hall.
she strted to treat her shoe as her baby
and she rolled on the floor
and she smiled crazily
and she threw shumin's marker until it leaked
then she took benn'ys wallet and made him chase her until he got 'tired'
and she found a secret door
-.-

talk about accomplishment of the mentally challenged.
haha
then went home
then pretended to be mentally retarded(we still had paint on our faces)
then we tried to irritate deyro
'cos he was like
' i dont know u guys'
then when there was a big grup of people
i would go like

(superloud)' HEYYYY DEYYYRROOO!!! I HAVN'TT SEEN YOU FOR SO LONG!!!0
hahaha
he didn't like it
then he said that wehn he go tinto the taxi
we were like waving crazily
then the uncle ask him if we were his friends
then he say we're mentally challenged people or sth
hahahhaa
then went to take neoprints
then sth bad happened
then went to church
sat there
emo abit
while waiing for everybody to arrive.
haiz.

i just can't get to get rid of you .
when i DON'T want to see you, you're always there.
when i MISS you like crazy, you're always gone.

and when i DO see you, you just ignore me
what happened to, "i love you"?
what happened to those promises you made?
what happened to everything?

it just hurts so much.
just to know you were cheating this whole time.
to know that you ........... never really accepted me for who i was.
you have NO idea how proud i am of you
you have NO idea how much i cry inside when i see you suffer
you have NO idea how much i'm being torn apart when you treat me that way
...
you just don't know
you just don't know anything...

------------------------
emo.
i miss xinghua.
i miss my friends.
i miss talking to them.
i miss being a goody girl.
i miss being the "nice"girl.
i miss running around with them.
i miss them.
not that i don't like 1ex.
1ex rocks my socks.
but...
xinghua was the neighbourhood that i GREW up in.
xinghua was where i experienced.
xinghua sucked. but there were good times too.

i'm being emo the whole day
i think i have some sort of problem with me.
i have this ' wall ' around me.

haiz
okay i'll try to be positive
-----
MASSEX:
2.1km run.
managed to clock 16.42min.
quite happy
improvedALOT from last week
last week was 17.12(?notsure)min.
but this week seriously chionged lah.
with shumin
she's my motivation.
its like
she keeps running
then i try to keep up with her
then when she stops
i try to motivate her
(: i love to run with her<3
haha
and after that lessons blah
until PW hist.
INTERCLASS(1i&1e) hist quiz
at first 'cos each class 3 representatives
so it was liddat
1e: jiazi,me,shumin(idraggedher.heh)
1i : josiah, joshua, kenneth/jonathan(they're twins, i get mixed up)
so like 1e was THRASHING 1i :X
haha
then
details. details
------
then after school
practiced the class cheer thing.
quite cool
haha
then there was this part where benny,russell and yp had to do this ' rap ' thing.
then we had to do actions
so joanna and i came up with some
hahah
when i think of it
I WAN FALL OFF MY CHAIR
HAHA.
cos got one line is
' laocharbo lose money'
then haha.
nvm
very difficult to explain.
haha

then after that stayed back with yirong ollie and aerisa to study
seriously studied.
actually yirong's sci not bad man
but then tomooki came
then super funny
hahaha
'cos tomooki try act cool
try to sing opera, dance, and do funny actions
haha
and trust me.
his singing not good
but his opera not bad actually.
like very clear
and he can actually go very high
:D
how cool!

then emo-ed alll the way home at 5.45
reachd home at like... 6.45
:(
so suckish
i wan die liddat
haiz

ever noticed how much life sucks.
how much life sucked
and how much life will suck.

ever felt like you're not wanted?
like you're there 'cos you are forced to.
like you're an outsider
like you're alone.

and.
ever felt like you've failed your family,
your friends.
your teachers
your relatives
... and yourself.
ever lived with this guilt
ever lived like a criminal
ever lived like ME?

ever lived with this constant pressure?
with this sense of unbelonging
with this sense of..... unrespected.?

that's how I FEEL.
you don't even KNOW.
you don't even CARE
ALL of you don't care.
you never do.
you never did.
you never will.
so whats the point?

wha'ts the point of living when no one else believes in you
and when you don't believe in yourself
what's the point of living when life sucks so much
when nobody just wants to accept you for who you are.
what's the point of living when living is like...

being dead?

whats the point of living when nobody cares if you're around?
whats the point of living when there's nothing in life to be happy about/

its all FAKE smiles.
its all LIES.
its all CRAP.
its all stupid

what makes me different from them?
that i look different?
that i act different?
that i SPEAK different?
that i have different morals?
that i'm brought up differently?!

WHAT MAKES ME SO UNNOTICED?
WHAT MAKES ME SO UNWANTED
YOU TELL ME.

whymust you set me up in this big huge mass of lies. promises and deception.
WHY!?

WHY NOT JUST LET ME DIE?!
WHY DO YOU KEEP HAVING TO PRETEND?!
it just hurts MORE.
to know that you're acting
to know that i have to act along
to know that you don't really care.
even if i really want you to.


why did yuo even come into my life.
why did all of you even come into my life.
why did all of you just have to set my life into a big mess.
first tell me that i'm included.
then just push me out when i'm not needed.

why first act like you accept me for me.
and wait for me to discover that you don't?

WHY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A BIG FAT IDIOT BEING SLAPPED RIGHT IN THE FACE?!

i am..ELISABETHfongRUIxian(: aka !E-lis
29DEC95 is my BIG DAY

a 6arian HWA CHONG(international)-RIAN

part of theCLICK4♥ JEOS♥
, - JOANNA SHUMIN OLLIE ME
and the KJE'S
- KELLER JOANNA ME
i LOVE GOD and my family

i hate sin
i am quite sensitive at times
BEWARE ;D

LOVES
GOD....
HCIS 1E '08
Friends...;
Dogs!..
family
WANTS
to get into OXFORD/PRINCETON
to forgive and forget
to control my temper
to not have ANY fights in high school
to learn to love and not have any grudges
to not get my hopes too high
to meet great friends in sec sch
to be able to cope with sec life
to get an IB
to get a diploma in piano
to be able to lose weight
to not be ashamed of myself
to not care about other people's criticism
to ignore some people forever
to not be so tired
to have a 'perfect'body by 4 years
to make up my mind
to make life-long friends(:
to be proud of myself
god's blessings...<3
to be able to knock sense into some stupid people
my 1stbrother to get safely outta NS
my sis to do well in 'O's
my 2ndbrother to do well in his JC, preparing for 'A's
NEOPRINTS WITH BEST FRIENDs<3

BLOGSHOP
CLASSBLOGS!
6a 07 clssblog<3
1e 08 class blog<33
1i 08 class blog(:
XINGHUA
ChinKeong<3
Daniel leong<3
EvelynXD
Farah<3
HanJingXD
Jack<3
JitHui<3
Julian<3
JunHao<3
Jessie<33
Jolina<3
Kaiyee<33
kiaYeeXD
maira<3
Melissa
Ms Yin<3
Nadhirah<33
Nic
Pandora
QiaoHui
Theresa<3
TeckHwee<3
Terry<3
Thiru<3
Vicki<33
Xin yuan
YiJie<3
YuHe<3
ZhiJie
HCIS!
Abigail<33
AishynXD
Charlotte(:
Dario<33
GERALD<33
Glenda<33
Joanna Chong<33
Keller<33
KirstyXD
Ryan<33
Sauching<3
SHUMIN<33
YIHUI<3
OTHERS
ClarissaXD
Dawn(:
Debbie(:
HuiYing<33
Joanna(sis)<333
Veronica
CHURCH
Charis<3
Jael<3
Jiaen<3
XinShi<3

Sorry the music is reallyirritating<3

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